


Only Losers Drink Alone

by GirlyTomboy



Category: Gintama
Genre: F/M, like half a second of yamazaki, very little mentions of other characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-08 18:51:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4315839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GirlyTomboy/pseuds/GirlyTomboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Kagura had known she was going to be stuck outside, in the dead of night with only a piss drunk Sougo to keep her company, she would have forewent drawing that dick on his forehead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only Losers Drink Alone

“Sougo, Sougo, try this!”

The flaxen haired man turned his head at the mention of his name. Kondou was calling out to him (quite boisterously, if he might add) and beckoning almost maniacally for Sougo to come over. He sighed, and promptly brushed past the hostess on his left.

“What is it, Kondou-san?”

With the Commander of the Shisengumi being in such close proximity, Sougo blanched once he took a whiff of the alcohol that seemed to permeate throughout every pore of his leader. He tried to furtively scoot as far away as possible from the man, but to no avail as he only pulled his subordinate closer.

“Kondou-san, you smell like shit. Shittier than the shit that gets stuck to your shitty ass hairs.”

“Why, thank you Sougo!”

“That wasn't a compliment.”

Kondou guffawed before taking another swig at the bottle in his hands. He burped in satisfaction and brought an arm over Sougo's shoulders. The man reeked, and he really did consider just hurling him across the room if it wasn't for the fact that his paycheck depended on Kondou being, y'know, functioning.

“Kondou-san, would you please get your hairy arm off my shoulder?”

“No can do!” Kondou hiccuped. “Not until you try this!”

“No thank you.”

For a moment Sougo thought he was in the clear. Unfortunately, as luck would have it, he hadn't taken even a single shift away from his leader before the entire bottle was practically jammed down his throat. An overly enthusiastic Kondou forced him to chug down the contents in all its entirety.

Sougo hacked and coughed after promptly spitting the bottle out, an uncharacteristic look of alarm on his face. “K-Kondou-san-” A tinge of red dusted his cheeks, ears, and neck as he pushed himself away from the loquacious crowd of Shinsengumi men promised of copious amounts of women and alcohol for the night. “What?! Don't be so stingy, Sougo!” Kondou laughed. “We rarely have the day off, y'know! Let's celebra-gyuhuh,” he hiccuped, clearly already piss drunk from all the drinks he had practically inhaled. His head bobbed to the side before he could finish his sentence as he looked like he was on the brink of knocking out, yet the man still thought it brilliant to have another chug at his bottle.

Sougo, on the other hand, was already starting to feel the effects of the alcohol entering his system. His vision blurred and he wobbled a bit before steadying himself back on his two feet, this time with malicious intent in his half-lidded eyes. A hand clasped him on the back and the poor officer nearly ate shit.

“I forgot; you're a lightweight, aren't you Sougo?” Hijikata's voice cut in, curiosity and amusement reflecting in his own mischievous depths.

“Oi, Mayo-bastard. I thought we already called pest control,” Sougo retaliated, getting a smack upside the head in the process. Of course, he would have pulled out his bazooka and blasted the pretentious bastard straight to his Mayo Kingdom if it weren't for the fact that he was indeed, quite drunk at the moment and stabilizing himself was getting just a tad bit more difficult. Hijikata waited expectantly, mockingly, as the flaxen haired man struggled to get a hold of his surroundings. _'Can't blame him either. Kondou-san did just force more than half a bottle of tequila down his throat, after all.'_

A cursory glance back at Kondou confirmed the Demon Vice Chief's suspicions that his leader really was beyond help- the man was currently dry-humping the table and making strange Gorilla noises at the same time (quite accurately too, if he must say so himself).

“...Kondou-san...”

Focusing his attention back to Sougo, who was using his sheathed sword to hobble his way over to an open seat, Hijikata sighed. “Oi, Sougo. Go home if you don't want to be here.” Though silent about it, he wanted nothing more than to just return to Headquarters and sleep away the remainder of the night. It was only so long before even mayonnaise couldn't mask the taste of alcohol anymore.

“Shut it, M-May-Mayo... Mayora...” Sougo slurred. A hiccup. “GET ME MORE TEQUIRRRRRAA, YOU USELESS BASTARDS!”

Oh fuck.

An empty bottle came sailing over everyone's head and smashed right into Kondou's butt. Hijikata blanched. Sougo hiccuped again. “Didn't ya hear me, flies?” He slammed a hand onto the table for emphasis, effectively shutting up every other officer in the imminent proximity. Some patrons looked over curiously, only to be glared at by the quite irritated, quite drunk Sougo.

“I! I am-! Oki-Okira-”

“Okita.”

“Okita Sougo, bastards! G-git offa me!” He swatted at the air around him before slumping back into the plush cushions. A hostess brought over his requested drink, and he skipped the shots entirely in lieu of snatching the bottle and chugging the liquor down in mere gulps. The members from the table across from him shared fearful glances.

“Eh... Um, Captain... This isn't like you...”

“S-Shaddup-gyuh...” Sougo hiccuped again. In the midst of the apprehensive tension that had overcome the Shinsengumi (the sober ones, at least), he took the chance to haphazardly sprawl his limbs, arms resting on the back of the sofa and legs spread wide apart.

“Whatcha lookin' at? Haah?! O-Oi, porktail-”

“Who the fuck you calling porktail!”

“Gimme mah whips and chains! The Prinsh of S-Shadism-”

“Is obviously drunk out of his mind,” a new voice interrupted. Sougo glanced toward the direction of the newcomer and would have completely chewed them out-  
That is, until he got smacked in the face by a very hard, very fast, very _familiar_ purple umbrella.

“BWAHAHA! THE QUEEN OF KABUKICHO HAS ARRIVED, SHINSENGUMI SCUM!”

Hijikata deadpanned. Kondou froze mid-thrust. Yamazaki nearly peed himself.

“Oh-hoh? What's this?” Yet a new voice cut into the momentary lull, the person's lazy drawl alerting the black-clad officers to the absolute bane of the Shinsengumi (hell, there were even Caution pictures littered throughout their place). “Can't handle our Kagura-chan? I pity you, garbage of the earth.”

Gin hunkered down next to Kagura, who had seated herself on the top of the sofa Sougo currently occupied. In his hands was a half emptied bottle of Dom Perignon, the liquid swishing as lazily as his attempt to do his hair that day. Shinpachi followed suit as he donned a mildly concerned, mostly nonplussed expression at his boss's latest antics.

“Yorozuya...” Hijikata uttered, words laced with venom and the slightest bit dread. “What the hell are you doing here? Just when I didn't want to see your fugly ass mugs-”

“Who the hell you callin' fugly?!” Gin shouted. “Go back to your barn, Miss Piggy!”

The following brawl that ensued went, for the most part, ignored save for a couple odd stares. Within minutes the Shinsengumi reluctantly carried on, bottles and cups in hand as they resumed their raucous journeys to complete intoxication and the duo punching and kicking in the corner were forced by none too happy hostesses to duke it outside. Thank goodness for that.

“Gin-san...” Shinpachi reprovingly sighed. “What the hell did we even come here for...” A blasé, unamused expression overcame his features when he glanced ar the other remaining member of the Yorozuya, who had whipped out a marker and was occupied with doodling on a semi-conscious Sougo's face. He shuddered.

There was going to be hell to pay once that man sobered up.

Not wanting to leave yet not fitting in at the same time, the bespectacled member of the Yorozuya took a demure seat besides Yamazaki. The spy was munching on some anpan in the corner, somewhat isolated from the rest of the group as he gazed on almost enviously.

“Good evening, Yamazaki-san.”

A tear dropped out of Yamazaki's eye.

“... Anpan...”

_'I fucking swear, this is going to be a long night.'_

* * *

“H-Heey, Nee-san. S-Sing me e-eh-a-uh s-sooong,” Sougo jolted awake and grabbed hold of Kagura's wrists. His crimson eyes narrowed as he flipped his bangs to the side, though the attempt to look suave was all in vain considering he had a penis drawn on his cheek with the words 'Property of Kagura' sprawled everywhere else.

And a mustache. Always a mustache.

“Gross, Sadist. Get your hands off me.” She brushed his arms aside and watched as they fell limply to his lap. His head knocked against the wooden frame of the sofa as he leaned all the way back, some incoherent mumble coming from his half-parted lips.

_'What's up with this guy? I've never seen him act like this before. To be honest I didn't even know he was capable of getting drunk.'_ Kagura kept half an eye on him as she beckoned over a server. “Can we get some juice here?”

“Of course. Right-”

“NUUUUH!” Sougo stomped his foot. “VODKRRRA! TEQUIRRRRA! DOM PERRRRIGNOON!”

“Get us some juice.” A flick to the forehead later and the two were sharing bottles of Koronamin C as Sougo tended to a welt bigger than his head itself.

“Oiii, that hurt, Nee-san.”

“Deal with it.”

“... Nee-san.”

“Sadist...” Kagura threatened.

“Nee-san... Nee-san... Nee-san! NEEEEEEEE-SAAAAAN!”

“SHUT THE HELL UP, WOULD YOU?!”

Kagura started to seriously contemplate her life choices right at this moment. On one hand she wanted to down all the bottles of Koronamin C they had just graciously received, yet on the other hand she wanted nothing more than to escape the grasps of a very much drunk Sougo and possibly go steal some food (Gin-chan was probably broke and she was running low on her precious sukonbu). No one could blame her, right?

Unfortunately, before the Yato could do so, a strong grip on her shoulder halted her in place.

“Neeee-saaan. P-Plaaay with me, would'yaa...?”

“What.”

“Mm-hm,” He nodded feverishly. “I'm boored, Nee-swaaan...”

Kagura would have ditched right then and there if Sougo hadn't chosen that exact moment to wrap her in a tight embrace, effectively cutting off her oxygen supply as he trapped her face in the crook of his neck- one hand holding the back of her head and the other around her arms and waist. “G-Get your... Sadist hands off me... C-Can't breathe... Oi!” Despite Kagura's muffled complaints the flaxen haired officer did not mitigate his hold on her in the slightest.

“Mm,” Sougo hummed. “Nee-saaan... you smell... weird.”

Kagura froze at the thought of him of all people taking a whiff of her hair- or any body part of hers in general- and mimicked a gagging noise. If anything she became even more desperate to just bounce right the fuck out, this situation she had unknowingly been caught in being very odd to her.

Man, the penis wasn't even worth it.

“Sadist, I'm giving you three seconds. Get off-”

“Mm.” Sougo burrowed his head into Kagura's hair, the uncharacteristically affectionate gesture eliciting something strange with the vermilion haired girl.

She didn't like it.

“Like... ehh-um. Sukonbu!” Sougo shouted like a madman, as if he had just reached some unattainable epiphany never before discovered until this exact moment in time. As if proving it to himself, he nodded in satisfaction. “J-Just like her. Ya. That fuuuugly ass pig from the Y-Y-Yorosh-Y-Yoronu-Yorozuya! China. Her.”

“WHO THE FUCK DI D YOU JUST CALL FUGLY!”

If Sougo had been any less drunk, he still wouldn't have been able to stop her from slamming him into the nearest wall.

* * *

“So. Um. Get off.”

“No.”

“What the hell do you mean, 'No'... You wanna die, huh? I'll kill you. I'll stab you right now. Get. Off.”

“I don' wannaaa!” Sougo whined, akin to a child refusing to relinquish his toy. In this case, his toy being a very irate, completely done Kagura. Pissed hadn't even been enough to describe how she felt when Sougo clung unto her after he had woken up from his ass-beating not even twenty minutes later, _still_ drunk and still somehow managing to waddle around without falling flat on his face, save for the occasional stumbling as he tripped on his own two feet.

… Okay, that part was pretty entertaining.

Now, however, was an entirely different story as Kagura found herself sans her signature umbrella and waiting impatiently outside the hostess bar, with no one else but the inebriated First Division Captain of the Shinsengumi as company.

_'Stupid bastards ditched their own officer. Hell, I think Gin-chan and Shinpachi haven't even realized I'm not with them anymore...'_ She helplessly mulled. When her first-rate pain-in-the-ass started to paw at her hair she seriously contemplated just tossing him away from her and dipping. Unfortunately, Sougo had no intentions of letting that happen as he wound his legs around her waist and practically hung from her body, the height difference proving to reinforce the general oddity of the duo loitering around a bar at nearly one in the morning. With a hoarse shout he clung to her even tighter, the vice-like grip making her stumble for a bit.

A formidable rival, indeed.

“Le's get ice c-cream.” Sougo tugged on her hair. “Off we go! Majestic steed!”

“I'll shoot you.”

* * *

Kagura wasn't even trying anymore. No level of done could compare to her done as she sat on the park bench utterly exhausted, Sougo happily licking an ice cream cone beside her. _'Made me pay for his ice cream, nearly drowned me in the river, then dragged me here in the middle of the night...'_

“Nee-san,” He hiccuped. Kagura snapped out of her brooding reverie to glare at him.

“What.”

“W-What's-” He hiccuped again, and forced out a watery burp. She grimaced. “Y-Your name...?”

A beat. And then, “My... name?”

“Well, duh!” Sougo breathed in close, the putrid smell of alcohol lessened with the sugary aroma of strawberry flavored ice cream. “O-Oi, ya must be a pretty amaaaazing hostess if ya'd followed me _a-aaaaaaaall_ the way here, right?”

“No. Um. Sadist, are you deaf and blind? I'm leaving.” Kagura huffed and hopped off the bench. An arm around her waist stopped her from leaving.

“Don't leave.”

“W-Wha- Sadist!”

“Don't leave me. Please.”

That strange sensation from earlier returned, stirring up a storm in the pits of her belly as a myriad of confusing, foreign emotions suddenly flooded her. Shock, wariness, disgust? No, that wasn't the word. Anticipation? Excitement? _'What the hell...'_ She completely froze. Hopefully, Sougo was unbeknown to the vain attempt at belying her ambivalent feelings. Damn, of all times to wish he was drunk.

A face pressed up against the back of her dress, the weight of Sougo's head leaning between her shoulder blades. “Pleeaase,” he drawled out. “Staaay.”

“Why should I?”

“'Cuz, you smell... like s-sukonbu!”

Kagura groaned morosely; why the hell did she have to babysit such a drunk loser in the first place? Sougo's grip on her waist was unnaturally tight (they were still rivals after all; his strength and reflexes weren't that much of a surprise to her), the pinning of her arms greatly restricting her movements and balance.

But then again, she was a Yato. Renowned for their brute strength and raw power, breaking free was in retrospect, quite a simple task. So why couldn't she do it?

Kagura chanced a glimpse down to her counterpart and blanched when she caught sight of drool seeping onto the fabric of her red qipao. _'Ugh, no wonder Gin-chan never lets me sleep with him.'_ With an almost innocuous demeanor -the Sadist was never truly innocent in her eyes- Sougo burrowed his head further into Kagura and successfully disseminated the saliva along the expanse of her back.

“You smell... just like China!” Sougo took another whiff of her shirt and nodded. “Like, like her. Mm, yeah. Kagura.”

“That's because I _am_ Kagura.”

“LIES. ALL OF THEM.”

“How?!” The vermilion haired Yato sighed in disbelief, clearly about to give up on trying to explain herself. Her half-assed attempt to prove that she was indeed Kagura only seemed to exacerbate the situation, seeing as Sougo decided to repeatedly ram his head against her backside in defiance.

_'What is he, a little kid?'_

“Nooo, you-you're not. An imposter. China-” He hiccuped. “Would have aaaaalready beat me to death.”

“Damn right she would have.”

“Right?! So you are NOT China.” Sougo bumped his head against her one last time. For a moment his arms loosened as he seemed to give up on whatever invisible battle he was fighting (if clinging onto a pissed, somewhat bemused Kagura like his life depended on it was considered a battle). Being ever the one to seize an opportunity, she immediately yanked herself out of his reach. She huffed triumphantly, relieved his warm touch was no longer suffocating her. With their physical bond disconnected, Kagura no longer felt the effects of whatever strange sensation had rendered her shocked and somewhat embarrassed mere seconds ago.

“Haha! Bye, drunk Sadist. I'll get you some sukonbu next time!” She was about to make her grand escape when the sight of Sougo, hunched forward with something akin to longing in his downcast eyes caught her attention.

Hm. Odd.

“Sadist...?” The flaxen haired officer seemed to be in deep contemplation, and Kagura was almost afraid to ask, lest it be some mentioning of her again.

“H-Hey, China-look-alike.” For a second there Sougo seemed to sober up as he regarded her with a completely serious, slightly desperate look. It was unnerving, to say the least.

“D-Do you think China... hates me?”

Kagura paused in the midst of grabbing her umbrella, pondering over the meaning of the question. Sure, he annoyed her only all of the time- calling her names, challenging her, sabotaging, blackmail, threats, insults, rigging her room full of explosives, more insults and more explosives with the occasional tabasco prank. And sure, the way his shit-eating smirk every time he successfully managed to shoot his bazooka at her was infuriating to say the least. But, Kagura concluded--

Oh wait, she had every reason to hate him. The poop flinging bastard.

“Yes.”

Sougo's expression morphed into one of such devastation and heartbreak it took a moment for Kagura to register. She felt the urge to break whatever tense silence had overcome them in the span of the few words they shared.

“Um... Sadist?”

“Why?”

The question caught her off guard; Okita Sougo's concern over what others thought of him (with the exception of Mitsuba) was rare, probably nonexistent. She was even one to testify, with the nth amount of times he had brushed off the preponderance of her blatantly cruel insults with a shrug and a smirk.

“Well...” Kagura took a moment to answer. “You're annoying, and blunt. A sadist. And tried to kill me-er, her. Twice. Probably more. And-”

“But so did China.”

“But China is an innocent and pure maiden who loves everything cute and fluffy. And that China thing. You call her China too much.” Sougo pondered over Kagura's words for a tad bit longer. Slowly but surely his countenance turned more and more sour, until his eyebrows were scrunched and his nose crinkled in vitriolic contemplation. At who, she wasn't too sure.

The officer in front of her broke her out of her thoughts when he groaned and hiccuped before throwing his head back and sprawling himself over the bench. His hunched posture was replaced by a more relaxed one as his crimson eyes closed. Dare she say Sougo looked pretty at peace with himself, albeit a little worn out.

“I...” Sougo muttered. “Don't want her to hate me...”

“I thought you hated me-er, her already,” Kagura curiously noted, more bemused than anything. This was definitely new information that she could possibly use to her advantage (the sudden fluttering of her heart was definitely only excitement at the prospect of blackmail material, nothing else to it).

Sougo's eyes narrowed as he very clearly relived some moment in time Kagura was obscured to, judging from the way he gazed reminiscently at some intangible thing only he saw in the thin air.

“She's rash,” he started. “Straightforward, vulgar, unlady-like, doesn't know how to say 'help me'...” Here he paused. His uncharacteristically expressive eyes softened; it was difficult to believe he would ever don such tenderness when thinking about _her_ , of all things. And then all of a sudden, Kagura felt filthy- like she was intruding the longer she bore witness to such a, a... _strange_ look on Sougo's face.

Kagura was unraveling something Sougo no doubt preferred to remain hidden. And it was about her. The Yato girl from the Yorozuya who always bothered him; China; Kagura. She felt dirty. Notwithstanding her hesitation for him to continue, Kagura stayed frozen as Sougo opened his mouth to speak again. “But...” He continued. A big 'but', she could tell.

“She's a comrade. My friend.”

Oh. That was it?

This time Kagura couldn't resist in lightly slapping him upside the head, a deadpan expression plastered on her face. Sougo spluttered and swatted at the air, only to realize she had already retracted her hand. An unamused, annoyed glint soon usurped whatever sentimental emotion was previously there.

“W-Wha! Nee-san, what the hell was that for!”

“Idiot.”

Kagura blanched. Sougo lurched forward and unsheathed his sword, overly offended as he stumbled to right himself.

“Of course she's your friend, Stupid. Why else would that beautiful Kagura maiden bless you with her company for so long if she wasn't?”

Something seemed to click in Sougo's mind as his arms went slack and he processed the new information he had just been fed. Blood red irises widened in disbelief as something akin to hope flooded every fiber of his being until not too long later he was bouncing on the heels of his feet. “Really?!”

“Really.” Kagura was starting to regret her decision of ever attempting to reassure the Sadist of the bond between him and the vermilion-haired China girl he was fretting over. Whatever foreign sensation that had griped at her when she was regarded with such a hopeless expression from earlier had shattered completely, and she really did hope it was for the better.

“That's a relief,” Sougo sighed. His words were less slurred now and if Kagura hadn't known any better, would have believed he had finally sobered up (though his breath still reeked of vodka and Koronamin C). Fortunately for her, the Sadist she knew was never one to reveal his emotions so carelessly and uncharacteristically.

Speaking of which, she realized, would be perfect for blackmail.

Kagura immediately whipped out her cell phone to take a quick picture of a giddy Sougo, who was bouncing in his seat with his hands clasped and up to his chin. The words on his face were smeared and covered his cheeks and forehead, yet he showed no signs of acknowledging them. _'Pft. Serves you right for dragging me along all night, damn Sadist.'_

“Whatcha doing, Nee-san?”

“Blackmailing the sober you.”

“Really? Sounds fun,” he chirped. “Don't show China. Her annoying voice will be aaaaaaall I'll hear for the next few days.”

_'A little too late for that.'_

“Uh-huh. Sure.”

When Kagura slipped her cell back into her pockets he started to bounce in his seat again.

“Are you still drunk?”

“No.” Hiccup.

“Liar.”

“NEE-SAN HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME?!”

A hand covered one of Kagura's ears as the other one wrapped firmly around Sougo's mouth, muffling his words. She clicked her tongue in annoyance. “Shut the hell up, would you? I'm the only one who can be loud, got it, Sadist?”

He nodded once. Bright, clueless red eyes stared back at her as she cautiously removed her hand from his mouth. “You good, Sadist?”

“As good as Hijikata-san with his laxative-induced mayonnaise in the morning.”

“Right... I'm leaving then.”

“TAKE ME WITH YOU, NEE-SAN!”

“No. Burn in hell.”

“Tooooooooooooo-”

“What're you-”

“Late.”

Kagura swore on her Papi's bald head even her Yato strength wasn't enough to shake off the conveniently placed Sougo, who had used her momentary confusion to latch onto her back and to wrap his arms around her shoulder, effectively getting a piggy-back ride from the more than ticked off girl. For free.

“Gwah! Get off'a me, bastard!”

“I'm tired. Lemme sleep Mom...” He sleepily mumbled into the crook of her neck, legs wound tightly around her torso not acquiescing in the slightest.

“Who're you calling Mom?! What poor, kind mother would want your dirty ass genes impregnated in her?!” Any attempt to shake the inebriated now drowsy officer was futile as it seemed whatever deity of sleep that watched over them chose to bless Sougo in particular with an insanely annoying grip even when he was barely awake, as he practically held on for dear life.

Even after she attempted to body slam him into the ground.

“Mm... Five more minutes...” Kagura blew the stray hairs out of her face, having left no choice but to trudge on out of the park with Sougo in tow. His hair tickled her neck, his gross breath fanned over her cheeks, she had to take a shit, it was utterly miserable. And yet, as she soon resigned to her fate and the more she trudged on, just the two of them...

The thought never occurred to Kagura to let go.

* * *

“Are we there yet...” A hoarse voice groaned out. Kagura adjusted said person's position on her back, nonplussed at his sudden awakening. “I'm not your taxi. Quit complaining and just go back to sleep like a good cherry boy." Sougo's half-hearted whine did nothing to deter them as Kagura continued on, the dark path illuminated by the flickering street lamps above. She sighed when she felt his head knock against her shoulder blade, burrowing itself as Sougo struggled to get a hold of his imminent surroundings.

She lost count of the many times had the flaxen haired Sadist drifted in and out of his sleep along their agonizingly slow walk. Of course he was groggy; of course he had no idea what was happening. Coupled with his oncoming post-alcohol migraine, Kagura was left to begrudgingly carry him back to his cozy little room in the Shinsengumi Headquarters.

Oh, how she just wanted to go back home and sleep so bad.

“Damn it, Mami raised me better than that...” She gritted out. The weight on her back hadn't ceased, and the chilling wind that stirred their hair and had Kagura's arms and legs riddled with goosebumps wasn't helping either. _'Meh. At least he's warm,'_ she mulled. Indeed, Sougo's body heat was more than enough to quell any trembling or shivering- for once, Kagura thought as she subconsciously leaned into his now slumbering figure, she could tolerate this.

(Not that she would ever tell him that. Drunk _or_ sober.)

“Oi, wake up. We just got to your demon spawning camp, Sadist.” The Shinsengumi Headquarters loomed almost ominously before them as she approached the base, its shadow a wispy blotch against the phosphorescent lighting. Sougo twitched at having been dragged out of dreamland once more, his grip inadvertently tightening on his makeshift form of transportation as they wandered into the darkened quarters.

“Ngh... Wha...” He groaned in exhaustion. “Are we home... Nee-san?”

“ _You_ are. Now get off.”

Fortunately for Kagura, she didn't have to traverse very far until they arrived at what could only be Sougo's room, the shoji doors having been left open for all the world to see his infamous red sleeping mask and various pictures of his precious sister. Aside from that the room was spotless, to the point of being impeccably boring.

Huh, no BDSM toys to be seen.

“Ah... My room,” Sougo mumbled into Kagura's hair. Within seconds of stumbling into the safe haven that was his bland sleeping quarters he had managed to slide off of Kagura and drag himself into the cold futon, where he immediately shed his jacket, shoes, and belt. Barely a ghost of a whisper, “Thanks, Nee-san.”

“Mm. Whatever. Don't let the roaches bite, Sadist.”

A tug on her foot later and Kagura felt a pair of sturdy arms wrap themselves around her waist, the giver of the hug on his knees as he pulled her closer to his incredibly warm, lithe figure. A pair of feather-light lips may or may not have descended upon her navel, and she may or may not have felt something foreign stir within the depths of the pits of her belly.

“You too. G'night.”

And despite the cold, chilling air, Kagura couldn't will the red to fade from her ears even if she nearly hauled ass out of the Shinsengumi Headquarters on that very strange, very early morning.

* * *

To Sougo, who on a normal basis barely managed to wake up without almost tripping on himself and somehow falling back asleep because of it, waking up with a massive hangover and not even a vague recollection of the night prior was akin to swimming against the flaming currents of Hell itself. Mayonnaise Hell. Just because Hijikata annoyed him that much.

“Gyuuh...” Fuck, even that one groan nearly sapped the life out of him. “What the hell happened...”

“You and liquor, that's what.” Hijikata's pithy reply sparked something primitive in Sougo as he whipped his head to regard his superior with a death glare. Bad idea, seeing as he was terribly hungover and his migraine hadn't ceased even slightly. Sougo chased away the remnants of an oddly complementing dissemination of hazy, warm orange and fierce, icy blue to regard his unexpected visitor with a flippant roll of his eyes and a click of his tongue.

Similar to him Hijikata nursed an ice pack and for once wasn't seen with his lighter and cigarette pack. Heaven knows how their Gorilla of a leader was faring. “You look like shit. Even shittier than normal.”

“Go drown in tar and die, Hijikata-san.”

“I'll be dragging you down with me.”

Sougo chose not to reply to the half-assed remark. He had more important matters to attend to- namely, the process of unhangovering (if that was even a word) himself up again. Tea sounded nice. “Get out of my face, Hijikata-san. Before I blow you up and turn you blacker than your burnt up, shriveled little heart.”

“You should look at the black on your face first,” Hijikata casually said. He soon complied as the sound of his footfalls steadily receded, but not before an obnoxiously loud snicker filled the hallways as he spared a mockingly pitiful look at his subordinate.

“...”

Sougo had to admit knocking down a few of his men as he sprinted his ass to the nearest bathroom mirror was maybe, kinda, just a _tad_ bit unnecessary. But hey, the look of aghast horror on his face when he saw the smeared remnants of a horribly misshapen dick and the words 'Property of Kagura' on it surely made up for all the possibly broken bones and sprains to come, right?

“CHINAAAAA!”

Somewhere on the opposite side of Edo, a vermilion haired Yato girl sneezed the contents of her breakfast all over an unsuspecting, twice as hungover Gintoki.

**Author's Note:**

> Major OOC, but i mean, drunk Sougo...


End file.
